Emotionally immature parents often create emotionally and unsafe living situations for their children, which can lead to conflict when the children become adolescents, and later, when they reach adulthood.
If you read Lindsay C. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, you will learn healing from childhood trauma. Reading about emotionally immature parents can help you understand your parents and yourself.
You are not a bad daughter. Engaging with emotionally immature parents can feel so draining and deplete your energy. You may want to consider limiting phone conversations, text messages, and in person visits to conserve your emotional energy and protect your self-esteem from harm. This is not disrespectful, it is called self-preservation.
I can sense your recoil at me calling your parents emotionally immature. You want to disagree with me and explain how traumatic their childhoods were, “They had hard lives.” Okay.
You also may start to acknowledge that you feel lonely and have always felt lonely.
You may feel guilty for thinking of your parents in this way. They did and do so much for you financially, how can you be so ungrateful?
You may feel sad that you do not have parents who you enjoy spending time with.
However, during and after therapy, you may start to notice how much happier and free-er you feel when spending time with other people who treat you well.
How do feel after talking to or visiting your parents?
When your parents talk to you like you ain’t sh*t, like you don’t matter, you may sometimes feel like you do not want to live anymore. Not just self-harm, like when you were a teenager, but full on ending your life type sh*t. It can be so painful to be told by other relatives that you should be grateful to your parents and all that they have done for you, when you feel so disliked by them. They perform well outside the home and in front of others, but you have experienced them differently when alone with them in private.
My approach to counseling involves trauma-informed care and decolonized therapy sessions. When we meet in therapy sessions, and you realize how negative the energy is when you spend time with your parents, you may feel differently about your relationship with your parents (and maybe even siblings). After a therapy session with me, you may feel less pressure to explain yourself, debate ideas that you historically disagree about, or extend the time together with your parents. You may no longer feel guilty when you decide to cut a phone call short or decline a visit.
Therapy sessions about your family can be stressful and painful. We can discuss what your childhood was like, how that impacted your teen years, and how those experiences shape your friendships, romantic relationships, career choices, and what you think about yourself.
We may spend some time helping you unlearn behaviors and thought patterns that are emotional harmful to you. Sometimes emotionally immature parents teach us how to bully ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Emotionally immature parents may have taught you to take care of their emotions, manipulated you into taking their side against your other parent or siblings, and/or if you were the only child, they expected you to live out their dreams. You do not have to share their viewpoint or emotions. You were born a whole human and not a mini version of them. It is okay to be who you are right now.
Let’s make sure something is clear. There is nothing you can do or need to do to get your parent’s approval. They are not interested in your life; they are interested in their lives and how you will add to it. This is likely why you felt emotionally lonely as a child. The relationship was and always will be a one-way street.
Being The Eldest Daughter
If you are a woman trying to navigate relationships with parents who are emotionally immature, you can learn how to show up for yourself while maintaining a relationship with your parents. I can teach you how to experience less stressful interactions with them. Hint: They will not change, you will have to change.
If you are the eldest daughter in your family, your family may have assigned you The Caretaker role. Have you complained to friends that your parents are so selfish? Do you just want to have conversations with your parents without leaving the space feeling less than?
If your parents are being manipulative, mean, and judgmental and their behavior or words is eroding your self-esteem, this can make you want to pull your hair out. It makes it hard for you to have a good day at work or be a partner or a good parent. After getting off the phone with them, you may feel like a loser. You are not a loser.
Would you like help figuring this next part out?
Imagine Waking Up with a Positive Voice In Your Head
You wake up and the first thought of the day is about what you are looking forward to doing with people who treat you with respect, care, and concern.
You deepen emotional connections with romantic partners and friends.
You feel good about yourself most hours of the day, most days of the week.
Schedule your free 30-minute video or phone consultation now.